Icha Icha Baka
by itachi234
Summary: Anko x Kakashi crack. Read. Laugh. Enjoy C: 3


Kakashi huffed impatiently, crossing his arms and leaning back into the couch. He tied his curtain open on the left side so he could see out of it without having to hold it open. He'd been watching for hours now and he was getting anxious. It wasn't often he lost his cool but he was waiting for an extremely important package. Jiraiya had contacted him a few days ago and had arranged a meeting at Kakashi's house for four o'clock this evening. It's now eight o'clock and Kakashi is rather perturbed. He hoped no harm had befallen the sannin. Then again, it had better be something very important for Jiraiya to make him wait like this.

"Kakashi!" A sudden shrill voice snapped him out of his trance. He looked up to see a rather aggravated Anko glaring at him.

"Hn?"

Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. "Don't 'hn?' me! I've been trying to get your attention for five minutes!" She threw her hands up in frustration, creating a nice bounce in her upper chest area. She was always so demanding, and rather sexy, when she was in a bad mood. It pleased him slightly but he was too upset about his delayed package to give much notice. "Really!" She said, exasperated. "What has gotten into you? What could really be so important that you'd ignore me?"

"I'm waiting for Jiraiya. He was supposed to deliver an extremely important package to me four hours ago. I hope nothing bad happened." His voice was rather flat, telling her he wasn't really into the conversation. This must be pretty big. Normally when they were both home at the same time and had extra time they'd relieve their boredom in the bedroom… or the bathroom or kitchen or wherever the moment took them. He didn't even seem interested right now.

"Oh." Her voice softened and she sat down next to him, putting her hand on his leg. "Is it really that important?" Kakashi nodded gravely. "Well I hope he gets here soon. I hate seeing you like this." She pouted slightly and curled into him, batting her eyelashes. "I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. You know, take the worry away." She grinned and started tracing little circles on his upper thighs.

He sighed and pushed her hand away. "I'm sorry. I can't. This is just too important. I don't understand what's taking him so long." He looked out the window again. "If the package is intercepted the enemy would learn all our secrets and all Hell would break loose." He rubbed his forehead. "The war to end all wars would begin."

"Oh." She relaly didn't know what to say. "I didn't realize this was so important. But…" She cupped his cheek and turned his face so their noses were touching. "Don't beat yourself up over this. I'm sure everything will be fine." She smiled and kissed him gently. He ran his fingers down the side of her neck. Her skin was so soft. It was a nice contrast to her abrasive personality. He slid his hand down and slipped her jacket off, revealing a curvy, slender frame covered by a fishnet top.

She chuckled as he buried his face in her neck and ran his fingers under her fishnet. She undid his pants and pulled him out with an expertise so fierce it would shock the village whore, Ino, who had been with just about everyone in the village at least once, except her Kakashi of course. She'd kill that bitch if she ever touched her man.

She moaned as he lightly brushed his fingertips over her nipple and gripped him tightly then loosened her grip slightly and pumped him slowly. She knew what he liked. She knew how to gain his attention. She allowed him to crawl on top of her and slide her shirt off and drop it beside the couch. Her back arched as he glided his tongue from her belly button to her chest, stopping for a moment to kiss her breasts. They were warm and soft and nothing made him happier.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Scratch that.

He hopped off the couch and ran to the door, leaving a rather flustered and disheveled Anko to curse and gather her clothes and throw them on before the door burst open and an excited Jiraiya bounded in. He threw a small package at an equally excited Kakashi and they began talking animatedly. Anko just sat there with her arms crossed, obviously unhappy about the whole ordeal. He was so upset a minute ago. Now they're giggling like little school girls. _What the hell is going on?_

She cleared her throat loudly, getting their attention immediately. Jiraiya laughed and scratched the back of his head.

"Well I guess it's time for me to get going! Haha! Let me know what you think!" He waved to Anko who just glared in return and walked out the door.

Kakashi went back over to the couch and sat back down next to her, turning the package in his hands, studying it intensely. Anko was glad Jiraiya was gone. He never stayed long but he was always annoying enough and usually popped in at the worst times, such as now. She snuggled against Kakashi and slid her hands up his thighs.

"Now that the apocalypse has passed, why don't we continue where we were?" She grinned devilishly and flicked his earlobe with her tongue. He pulled away quickly and gave her a _what-the-fuck-are-you-doing _look. "What?" She asked, a bit put off.

He looked down at his package and started unwrapping it. "I can't do that right now. I must do something very important. Maybe later."

_Excuuuuse me?_ She fumed silently as she watched him unwrap his package. When he got all the wrapping off she finally understood. It didn't make sense that she understood and it flipped her cap even more because of that but she understood nonetheless.

"A book?"

He nodded, running his fingers over the cover, admiring it deeply. "It's the last one in the Icha Icha series. I've been waiting for this for months." He giggled a little and opened the cover, promptly burying his nose in its pages.

"A book. Really."

"Hn."

"You've been brooding over a book all this time?"

"Hn."

"You left me hanging for a goddamned fucking book?"

"Hn."

"A fucking _porn_ book? What war could ever come of someone else reading your porn? Who's the fucking enemy?"

Anko is _not_ happy.

"Hn." He flipped the first page. This was so exciting.

"I fucking give you myself and you'd rather have porn? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you?" He as so into it he unconsciously blocked her out.

"Agh! Are you listening?"

Silence.

"I'm gonna fucking destroy that thing!"

Silence.

"I'll cut off your dick and feed it to your little rat dog and become a stripper and have a threesome with Gai and Kurunai and then all three of us will get married and we'll have a bunch of little demon children whom we will raise to seek revenge upon you and kill you and destroy all the porn in the world!"

"Hn." He just nodded absentmindedly. He was only a few pages into it and there was already a twist. This book was going to be amazing. He could tell.

"That's it. Fuck this shit." She ripped it out of his hands and started violently ripping the pages out.

"NO! WHATAREYOUDOINGAREYOUNUTS?" He flailed, desperately trying to reclaim his abused love he had waited so long for and save it from the psychotic monster that was currently tearing it apart.

"This. Shit. Has. Got. To. Fuck. Ing. GO!" A fresh clump of papers was tossed into the air with each angry syllable.

Kakashi scrambled, gathering up all the pages as best he could, trying not to wrinkle them more than they already were.

When all the pages were gone she ripped the binding apart and threw the ends in opposite directions.

Kakashi felt like a giant katana had just pierced his heart. How could anyone do something so horrible to something so precious? It was unthinkable. He had just grabbed the last of the pages and stacked them in a disorganized pile when she pushed him back and pinned him to the floor. He struggled against her, wanting to get to the aid of his beloved book as quickly as possible.

She punched him in the face and straddled him to hold him in place.

"No! I need to save it!"

She tore his shirt off and dug her nails into his chest.

"You're fucking nuts! My baby! I need to get to her! I need to know what happens next!"

"SHUT UP!" She punched him again. "FUCK ME NOW BITCH!"

"No! He tried his best to escape but to no avail. The wrath of women is the most powerful thing in existence. Once it's set upon you, you can never escape, no matter how hard you try or how much you fight back.

Kakashi woke up suddenly. He got up slowly, making sure to walk around the sleeping Anko, which was difficult considering the amount of intense pain he was in. He limped over to the bathroom and examined himself in the mirror. There was a deep gash on his leg and he was covered in cuts and bruises and blood and bite marks.

He thought back to last night as he examined the damage, remembering in vivid detail how he had gotten all these. He winced slightly as he poked a particularly deep bite mark on his chest. He had forgotten how temperamental Anko could be when she _wanted something_.

He sighed and searched the room for his clothes. Deciding they were shredded beyond repair he got a new set from his room and put them on. Then he washed his face and stepped outside, closing the door silently behind him.

He took a deep breath of the crisp early autumn air and exhaled slowly. He'd have to find all the pages of his book and put them back together later. He didn't want to do anything while she was still there. Hopefully he'd be able to find all of the pages and more importantly actually be able to read them.

"Oy! Kakashi sensei!" He looked up and was horrified. Naruto was running toward him and waving a certain book in the air. He looked rather excited. "Kakashi sensei! Can you believe what happened? I can't!" He jumped up and down excitedly. "I never saw that coming! You read it right? What am I saying? Of course you read it! Wasn't the ending amazing? And he… And she… and OHMYGODITWASWONDERFUL! I can't believe she…"

And that's how Kakashi became a hermit and never talked to anyone again…

Happy ending!


End file.
